Fabian Kostadinov

My Reoccurring Dream of Stealing Away From Military

I had the same dream for years. Once maybe every few months. In it I was in the military. However, actually, I did not really belong there. Not that I really was a soldier or that I had intentionally joined the forces, but me being there was in fact based on a mistake. Yet, I was not able to articulate myself. So the only option left to me in the dream was to steal away in secrecy.

After waking up the dream always left me in a shocked, confused and sad state. No matter how much I tried to analyze it, neither did I manage to understand it nor did I observe any change. At one point I decided to immediately write this dream down whenever it occurred.
So I did. As time went by I started to realize something I had not been aware of from the beginning: The dream changed. Over the months and years there was a definite direction into which the dream contents moved. At first there was still this feeling of not being heard, not being able to make clear where I belonged (not in the military!). And then steal away at night. At a later stage though I started actually at least trying to point out the obvious mistake to my superiors. Still without success. The more time went by the more self-conscious I became. At some point I did no longer steal away secretly but consciously walked away. After telling my superiors (and showing actual proof) that I were not a member of the military forces. Years later I did not even bother anymore to tell them, I laughed in their faces right away and let them think me whatever they wanted. Then I would take my leave in full sight.

Still, I was not satisfied. Yes, I had gained a lot of inner strength and even found a certain dark humor in the uncomfortable situation. Nevertheless walking away from all those soldiers left me with a stale feeling. Not that I felt obliged to them in any way, though inside I had always felt pretty lonely doing so.
Hence, I started looking for new solutions. I still wrote down every occurrence of the dream. I inquired why I actually walked away in every occurrence of the dream. Was that really necessary? It took me a lot more work to get behind my motives to walk away. I have to say I had always found the military to be a rather despicable bunch. By the way, I say that with the awareness of someone who actually spent time in the military. I did not do the full service though, at some point I switched to the civil service and went to work for a humanitarian aid organization in Tanzania. A decision that I never regretted. However, that's another story.
It took me much more time to realize that in my dreams I had always had a suppressed desire to actually belong to the rest of the military forces, to share comraderie, cooperation etc. The last times I had the dream I deliberately kept on the uniform although I still did not really belong there. I stayed there even though I did not have to.

What I learned is that there indeed exist these psychological and subconscious undercurrents in our lives. Dreams are a way of getting access to them. Certain ones of these themes may probably reoccurr through our whole life, I am sure that there are other people out there who happen to have their own reoccurring dreams. I encourage everyone to start writing them down whenever they occurr and see whether they change throughout time.

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